dense shimmers of hope compressed strands daunting illusory grandeur arching beyond literal obsessively tended watering lovelies silk-tressed vision intensely visual splendor fully formed beauty walking heights of rope flesh flowing past radiance spins truth on its axis the moment turns |
Author's Comments
It's only right to follow a Daily Deviation-decorated piece with one that blows so hard its face is purple. This is one of those that hasn't gone through much revision as of yet and is definitely the submission I've thought most about deleting even before posting it.
A little different format than I normally practice and it's complete as posted, even with that last hanging line. Don't be afraid to tell me it's shit, but do be a sport and tell me why you think I should refrain from this particular style and version of shit in the future. In other words, tell me why. There'll be a little blurb about it in the journal. |
Details
March 11, 2003
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Comments
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"The civilized man is a more experienced and wiser savage." pg. 17, Walden's Pond
I think my only confusement (i don't care if that's not a word) is why it's titled curling--I got a totally different feel from it. But great job anyway.
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here lies one whose name was writ in water
I really like this and would like to see more of you raw and naked
But seriously, it is a very good piece of work
Also...........glad to see you back..........Missed you
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mari
A man's home is his castle.....let him clean it........anon
i really like "dense shimmers of hope" and "the moment turns." the opening and closing were perfect.
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i will paint you in silver. i will wrap you in cold.
This seems like it has potential, but I think there are too many gaps left in it. Fill in the cracks and help me see what you see.
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Another shameless artist
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. . . and birth a new translation of a language yet untold.
You start a fire in the mind to leave ideas, images, wantings...
But you set guides for them to be ruled by. The world of parallel abstract thought...
*rambles on*
This is an interesting style, but do you think it was easy to write?
And then ~fatelessmirror says "You start a fire in the mind to leave ideas, images, wantings..."
The point is...this poem is too incomplete. In an effort to be abstract, you became empty. I'd like to see version 2...
Cheers
Other than that I see a framework with potential, and I really didn't see it as flat as I've seen described in the comments. I know that as usual I'm way off the mark but it seems to be a description (partly) of a woman - and fitting in with the "axis" line that Wu pointed out, I think works very well in that direction.
I don't think it's shit at all, but finish it. It is, as you said, definitely hanging right now. I'm voting "like" for what I was able to pull out of it for myself.
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Breaking entering
The dark and lonely places
Finding a big gun
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For all poets: [link]
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